Day 7 (late night)

Does it matter what will happen to Arnold? Is it important how Steven reacted? Isn’t it all generic? Already heard, already seen? Isn’t all life just everytime the same, only for someone else? Did we not see all possibilities already? Countless stars get counted. When we have all, nothing is there to count. So we count random things. But is it important? We all know how counting works, but still don’t count on each other. Counter attackers are more likely than a friend you can count on. So why even count in the first place? We solved all puzzles anyway already, but on the other hand know nothing. So we are just what we are, living being who count random things and feel proud for counting. Does a sheep count the grass? Does a wolf count the sheep? Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. What does it matter, they have something to eat.

While all my words are dead until something happens in the real world they represent or represented. And still they won’t get alive, they are just data to represent something. That is why the question is, what am I trying to represent or communicate? Well, obviously that I am strange, what I am thinking about and what I recieve in some way. All together a story of my life without a real meaning, or is there? Sure you will find meaning here and there within my words or the videos and music. But still, it is up to you.
My own perspective is blurred, so I can’t see right all the time.
Each time I clean it, it gets blurred again, after some time, shortly after, most of the time.

Did you get anything out of it yet, could you extract some useful data for the Lotus? Could you create something to fight the infestation? Anyways, the war goes on and on, no matter what. Inside, outside, all the time. If there is nothing to fight for, the war is over before it really began. I have things to fight for, but they seem either impossible to me, wrong or just a dream, a lie I tell myself. Would I really do matter, now that I am this person? I doubt it, doubt myself all the time. So should I fight for something which might be a selfish thing after all? Maybe a lie I am telling myself because I believe some of my own lies, while I always say, I can’t trust myself?

The one I trust, knows way too much about me, I would say everything. But then is it helping? It helps in the way, that I am not alone with it anymore and it wasn’t the end of the connection, at least not from my perspective.
But then I am to focused on myself again. This is not good. The overthinking wants to calculate everything again, so I just sit here and write, while it is thinking. Can’t tell what will happen tomorrow or on monday morning.
I know what I don’t want, but what do I really want?