Day 6 (late night)



At this moment I should say, I always wanted to put up my socks fully, so they are fully on. But people said, you can’t wear them like that. So often I then had to pull them down a little again…
But why? I mean I just wanted to wear them like that, is that a crime?
And yes, also from relatives or especially from them. But sure they didn’t want to hurt me, instead they wanted to help me. Well, it didn’t. I just like my socks the way I want them wear. And sometimes I don’t like socks at all.
Why? Just because, but who am I to know what I am allowed to wear and how? Oh right, I am the operator, am I wrong?

This guy… just awesome 😀

I have so many things in my head, some are coming out, but some are hiding, some not even I can find, they find me when it is time or when they want to. So all what holds me back is fear. Not even of failure because I actually want failure, if it brings me freedom (strange but true). But I fear that my actions will somehow inenevitably harm the people around me.

So why can’t I just be alone in a bubble and get out when I don’t cause any trouble? Maybe never, maybe next time, next year or so ever?

(Breaks the good mood, with a down breaker song. Well played, son. I must say.)

But is it a down breaker? It depends on how to interpret the message. It perfectly fits to me and what I wrote, am I wrong?
So when my mother drove me to work and school many, many times. Sometimes while she actually didn’t feel good, what does this make me? Well, not a good person I can tell. And what does it make me, when I just pull everything down she almost sacrificed herself for? Well, you are a monster then. (And what about my own feelings?) They don’t matter, you betray the ones who love you, you aren’t worth feeling. (Ah okay, I think I under… WTF are you talking about?) Ehhm… ehhrr… nothing? (…) …


Rail road in the open

There is a rail road, somewhere in the open.
But no one really understands why.
It has only a start point and a destination.
Somewhere in the far distance.

So what do I write down with my pen?
I can’t say anything, I am too shy?
While I am the leader of a nation.
Why is there all this resistance?

The train drives and drives towards the end.
Sometimes there are stones on the road,
So it stops, they have to take them away.
Sometimes it just needs fuel or rest.

Have I the power to rule or bend?
Why is it a train, no boat?
Is there only me and the ones I betray?
Shouldn’t I stop and do my very best?

Sometimes it reaches at station or sign,
People get out, get in, sit straight.
It never fully stops, just short breaks,
until it reaches the goal after all.

– J.SYS


Writing is nothing special, many people can write.
So what makes me in any way special?
Nothing, nothing at all, right?
What makes you special?
Well you are reading what a strange human being is writing and sharing.
So you must be in some way special. Not many people do this. At least not over such a long period of time. Their time is to valueable, to much to do and no interest in getting strange themselves. So they go, at one point for sure. But if you stay or go, it doesn’t matter because you stayed longer than most. Not because others couldn’t have stayed, but they didn’t and I didn’t stay in contact with them. Is this bad? Well it depends.
(Can you say something without relative answers and stuff?)
No, not always.
(So you can’t.)
If you say so.

So everything is just relative, for me. When I know all and nothing at all.

All this music is in some way individual, but also similar and in the end nothing special, when you compare it to the possibilities how music could end up. Or is it special because it is out there anyways? I mean, if one says, it isn’t special to go on the street and hold up a sign. Well it might not be because anyone could to that in some way. What makes it special, they do it anyways. So what is special? Something which isn’t the norm? Well, the norm is also relative to the anout of people who are believing in it. For one it is normal to be different, for one being strong is normal. Normal isn’t special only if you are normal because no one wants to be. Is special always against everything and everyone else? No. So why is it special then? It isn’t normal, it isn’t unnormal. Is it some form of art to be special or get something special? Maybe. Art has many ways and is not just this or that.
So is art special? Some art is special? But then way isn’t all art special? Isn’t it? Man you are confusing me and these people.
Special is what you make it. Each one of us has something or someone, who is “special” for them. So special can be anything and anyone. Nothing is special until it is for you. If everyone else thinks, it is normal, well maybe it isn’t after all. And if even, when it is special for you, you might think about it in a different way, no one ever thought about it. But because they think it is normal, you are an idiot to think it is special. So what is it then? It’s special to you. Everything = Nothing, Special = Normal + YOU
Everything + YOU = YOU
Nothing + YOU = Everything
Therefor Nothing = 0 = Everything
0 / 0 = YOU
(Please don’t take this for a mathematical or logical thing. It is just me, nothing special.)

Too much information is no information at all. So if you tell too much about yourself, it might be nothing at all. But if someone wants to hurt you, they will always find something, be it little or big. So better love yourself, then nothing can be hold against you, even if they try. You won’t fall for things, which don’t hurt you. (I should add an: “Please don’t take any work / word for granted or in some way correct. Parental advise required.”
But then it might be seen as art as well. Dam.

Or I just get in trouble because of this blog.

It is not important for me. I still have do to it. So if I get in trouble, then I get in trouble. If telling what is in my head, makes me a criminal, than I am one. Just let me be. If people can say bad things, do bad things and bring others to do the same, it is normal. But if I say, what I say I am a criminal? Of course not. But it depends on the view. So for myself I could be one or just the best person which ever lived. (Cross out the last one)
I will never think I am the best human ever lived (You just wrote it dude)
Oh man… No I just wanted to say, that I might be way better than I think.
(Sure thing) Wow, thanks… helped a lot…
(Always man, just ask.)
Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Humans are just logically irrational.
Why are they animals? Animals are way more interesting.
(Wow dude, what is going on?)
Nothing.
(I see)

So is the way of being the way I am in some way normal? If you ask some people, it is. Because they say, I am like this or that and I just need some medication to get better and then everything will be fine.
Really? I don’t think the medication helps at all.
(Ey, back of man. That isn’t true.)
Yeah, sure it may helps a little sometimes.
(Better)
But as with other things like the cold, you can survive it on your own with enough water and temperature and so on. So no medication needed because the body has most of it already. In some hard cases with an agressive sickness you still could need some medication to support your bodies immune system. But after all, you are the one who helps you. So why should medication do anything? The good emotions, the hope is what makes them work, the medicine alone can’t heal mental problems. It is the will to heal them. And I think, I have both. The will to heal and to break. The will to life and to die. So if I don’t decide, I will end up with both. Brain dead in a clinic, but my body is still breathing.

(Yes some of the music is already in the playlist, but from a different channel or in a different version. It doesn’t matter, does it? If it’s good, it is alright.)

So the question is, what would happen, when I take pills?
I would probably get even worse because I would probably take them “forever”. So how should that in any way motivate to heal? Exactly. It is more like an official label “You are weak and can’t do a thing”.
But if the medication would only be temporary, it might be positive.
“Just take these pills for 30 days and you will be healed.”
And then the placebo effect kicks in and you start the healing process.
(Even if there is a substance in the pills, the placebo effect is possible)
But isn’t this against the law of placebo?
(Is this important?)
No.
(Good)
😀

(What happened? How is this in my Almanac?)
Don’t know. Ask the YouTube algorithm.
Ask the universe.

Well, ehm I think I know where the door might be.
Good day. Leaves the stage
This brain ain’t working, did it ever?
(I can hear you)
Sorry, I know you can work and you are not always a problem.
(I guess I should say, thank you.)

The more I add to the list, the less I have.
But then I have more after all. So is 0 = 0?

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