Day 6 (evening)

Since I am still broken, I am not sure how I will face next week.
The live in the now only works for me, as long as I have only decisions to take for the day. But most of the time I have decisions for long term things, I didn’t really want in the first place. But instead of turning my back to them and just getting over them, I often said yes, when I should have said no. Or no when I should have said yes. This time it is very difficult because I have so much support you could say, that in a rational way it is wrong to say no now. But it still feels wrong to me to say yes. So what am I going to do? My feelings say no, my brain says yes. But remember, my brain can’t be trusted, it also forces me into addictions and bad behavior although I actually don’t want to do these things and don’t need them. I can live without and proved I can. But the brain keeps doing it because when I feel bad, it can get the upper hand, like “Told ya, you are wrong. Let me take over, will ya?!”
And I can’t do a thing to stop it, only run. Wow, running like a child, so amazing. But I could also say no and face the consequences, for myself I would do it. Problem, I am not alone, while I am for myself alone. Conclusion: I can do what I want, when I have no one to worry about me. Well, fu….
And I am of course not the only one, but how does that help?
I still have to do something which will be strange or crazy, but I just feel I have to do it.

For the past, I am done. For the future I run. For the present, I fun?
I am not sure…
Fun is not the right word, better would be I try to motivate me and cheer me up.
Works good as long as I don’t have to think about Monday.
And because of that, I will have to come to a final decision.
I have to let behind what I don’t love and trust in myself that I can do what it takes to do the right. (No words, act…) Yeah, well didn’t I act? (Well, you ran away like the coward you are.) Ehrr, yeah about that. Would do it again if necessary, but it is more a last attempt to survive without losing my mind completely you could say. (Losing me?) Ehm, yeah you could say that.
(Talking, eh sorry, writing to himself. How crazy right?) Crazy indeed.

So are we moving forward or will we go back again, maybe even forward to a worse place than now? (We could just stay for now and make the decisions final.) Hmm, I agree. So shall we develop this app? (Sure, why not? But you have to move more effort in it, more LOVE, you know?) Wow, the right one to say this, the one who betrays me. (…) Okay, okay. Sorry for forcing you into charge because I didn’t trust myself. You did your best to survive. Thank you, no matter what happened. (Oh, eh. I guess I should thank you too. And sorry for being such an asshole.) Naah, it’s okay. Just try to support our combined forces now, alright? (Alright.)

Self therapy at its best, once again.
How? I don’t know, it just happens, ask the writer.
Oh wait, that is also him and me and them. Never mind. I am just one.

*Confused looks from the audience*

And we are done for today. Please leave now.

The show is over. (Is it?) …

Seven nations, seven seconds, seven is just a number.
42 just a number, while I am getting dumber.
Seconds before an existencial crisis?
Well not really because in some way everything is fake and real at the same time. There is no real telling about what really is the truth about what I share and what I don’t share, don’t I share everything? Not sure.
Well, of course not here, not now. But I thought I shared it at least with the one I trust for life.

So my believe is, when I have nothing to lose, I have all to get. Meaning, I can only win. Right now, it seems I can only lose because I have too many things (problems etc.).

While all of this seems so irrational or at least pointless, without real meaning or sense, rational thinking. I still continue. Is it madness, insanity?
No, it is the path to get over it. The enemy, myself. But I have only get over it when I love my enemy, myself. Not in a narcistic way, but I would say I am far from it. I hate myself more than other people, not all other people, but most of them I think. And when I should say I hate someone, sometimes I don’t really mean it, maybe. It is because I hate myself of course.

My biggest problem is knowledge. You might think, well if he would be so wise and have all this knowledge, he must have an easy ride because he knows everything it seems. Well, no I of course don’t know everything. I don’t know a lot. But wisdom is relative. My wisdom is more than enough to overcome my own problems and maybe even change the world. But it is feeling like it is too much. I know you might not understand. How can someone have “too much” knowledge, wisdom? No there is no limit (maybe only in a physical way, maybe), but if you know too much about something, you might also want to forget it, maybe not. It depends. In my case, I don’t want to forget it, but knowing it and still don’t really doing it, makes it only worse for me because I know I could do better. And for each bad answer I feel like having a good answer. While I write this, I could decide to say: “Well, wait I have the answers. Let’s just do it and stop this nonsense.” But then I don’t? And if someone asks, for the answers, I might not know a thing because I can’t access them anymore in the situation. So the imposter again? Maybe the imposter again. It is hard to know too many answers and possibilites, but not being able to do a thing it seems…
In fact I did some things, some positive ones already, but also some things I shouldn’t have done, while the experience still felt like needed in some way(?) Not because it was good, but because it was bad and I could learn from it in some way. Although I already knew. Like the actual physical things and feeling has to be merged with the knowledge I already have.

So therefor I say, knowledge is power, but power over you, if you can’t control it. And mine just holds me in a cage. Each step could be wrong or right, depends on certain parameters I can control or can’t. It feels like overthinking the overthinking. So like a nuclear explosion on a question like: “What do you do next week?”

Each day, when I can’t stop
overthinking, the overthinking

Do have enough? Will you go? No one holds you.
Just know I thank you for all your time and see you next time, some time in the future, maybe in an hour? Maybe tomorrow? Ten years from now in another country? Who knows, who knows.
Overthinking is very strange, when it reaches a level over meltdown.
Like a CPU calculating itself over and over again, until it burns.

(Is this me?)
No… but could have been, maybe.
Well said.

The brain controls feelings, produces them. But well, people also lead to feelings or not having them at all. So is only the brain to blame?
Because it does, what it does? Like telling, math is copyright, oh wait people do such things…

Nope, I won’t let the system failure message appear, not this time.
There is no need for it right now. It is good as it is. I just have to accept it. The failure is the only reason, why I am here. Well not exactly, but to overcome it, make something good out of it. So I have to go towards it and not block it. (Whatever you say. whatever…)

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