Day 4 (late night)

When I am listening to all these music, all the people, I feel so good.
It is so good to see so much hope, all these hard and interesting stories.
It’s almost as if I am on the best to be one of them, but then I keep pushing me back: “You aren’t suppose to be like them. You are supposed to help other people, but you can’t even do that right. You drag yourself down, do you really want to be free? Maybe you should leave this planet.”

Yep, it is just like this. And I myself am just fine with who I am, but only if I don’t get pushed into some directions by other people. And in the end it is up to me, to stop them from doing that. But it is hard, when the people who push you, are your family or just good people. It feels wrong to do against them because they didn’t do anything to harm you, not willingly.
And yet you want to let them down or just leave them behind.
(Replace ‘you’ with ‘I’)

The main reason for so many people having depression, is a system which is a depression in its ultimate and final state. We just feel, what is out there. Many governments, society, indutry, wars, hunger … We are depressed because this world is depressed. We feel pain because this world is painful. But there is something we often forget or maybe know, but not really understand. The ones who feel the depression, are the ones who will save us all. They feel what the world really is, but instead we lock them away, give them pills or take their money for pointless talking sessions.
(No not all pills don’t work, not all “talking sessions” are pointless, but only if they really cure the cause of the problem).

This said, as a little child I was happy, open for knowledge and yes, a little too naive sometimes. But I believe naive thoughts are often better than just thinking you know everything better because you see, when you don’t.

All we know is based on dead data, when no one goes beyond the data, we are all dead. We need some data to understand, but the data should not block our believes beyond the data. “We all evolved like this.” “The universe is like this.” “We are just here because something happened.” “We are just stupid apes.” No, sometimes it is different from what we think, all of us. But if we always want to have “solid” data and proofs, we will never understand because in the end nothing is solid, nothing is how it seems and we are more than we always got told. I mean can you believe it? We tell ourselves, we are like this or that. But how are we supposed to know it like this, when we are just a creation by something higher than us, be it some physical force, some spiritual force, God or just something else.

I know, I know, I am not able to think streight, I am not even able to handle my life, how should I be able to understand everything? I mean it is almost, as if I understand everything (what is in my current reach and possible range of knowledge), but I still can’t trust it. And then I need other people to tell me that it is indeed the right approach, but I still can’t fully accept it. Why? Because my environment holds me back. If I would get a hard punch on my head, losing all my memories about family, property, work etc. Just what I have learned about life, the universe, etc. I would just go somewhere else without fear because I wouldn’t have anything to hold me back. Everything would be new and interesting. But that isn’t how life works, is it? It is. And yet I am here. Writing, not knowing whether all of it is nonsense, crazy, useful or just average data, no one needs because we have millions like them.

You might think, well if he talks, how he writes, he could be a good speaker. He has so much to say (even if it should be irrelevant or not interesting at all). And well, I can… sometimes. But often I choose to be quiet or just say stupid things, say something which isn’t what I meant or wanted to say and in the end I might confuse people even more or let them believe that I don’t know a thing. So next time, I think I am better with not telling a thing. But still I try to sometimes. “Hope dies last.”

It is not that I want much money, if I could choose, I would live without.
So if the system I am living in, would be like the following, I could live with it:
– there is some basic food for everyone
– some water to drink
– water and basic food (rise, bread, salad, tomatoes, …) are free for all
– we all get as much as we actually need
– I can do whatever I want deep down in my heart and soul
– money is only to get more than you need
– people love the jobs they have – it is their calling and not a burden

You could say, well this is a pretty strange world you want to live in. I agree.
But I said, it is a world I could live in, not that it has to be this way.
You know, food for me is not important. When I am frustrated I ate alot in the past. Now I think I don’t eat that much anymore and sometimes I even didn’t eat at all. Still because of my biology I only lose some kilograms, but as soon as I eat something I get them back. Yeah I know, I am not always eating healthy food. But still, my body works different. It just saves as much as it can, so that I would probably survive a very long time without food, I probably die because of my blood pressure / heart before I die without food.

In the example world, food is not as important as life is and yet there is food and enough for everyone. So you could also get something special from time to time, if you really want to. But the food you will get would be free, healthy and optimal for each of us. Just boring and depressing, you might think. Well it could be for some people, I know. But for me it is more depressing to see my life as a torture and world as a battlefield.
Why can’t it be different? A paradox situation. We want to live and kill ourselves because of it. What a waste, what a shame, why is it that there is nothing to blame? Nothing but us humans.

Some just want to live, some want to live and take everything they can, some want to take things just because they can. Some want to kill others for fun, some help without getting a reward. Weren’t we all just children once? Well I don’t know, whether some people are born killers, but some are born to be good great people not many will ever know about.

For some I might seem just crazy. Some might think I want to make a revolution, some think I am just in my own world, some might think I am talking about thinks I don’t know much about. Maybe you think I am just as lost as my words. No one cares, no one understands, why should I.

In another life, another world, parallel?
Maybe I am way more special than I think, maybe I am way more broken and unimportant than I think. I believe that if I would say: “I am special and I know it” I would get so much pain and bad things back, that I will for ever believe I am worth nothing. So I can’t say I am special nor worthless. I am just me. But then who am I really, to be honest?

I better not write, not talk, so no one can say things like: “Dude, we all know that.” or “Look at you, thinks he is special because he found out about how life actually works. As if he would be the first.” or “You write like 10? Are you sure, you are an adult yet? Maybe I should call your parents…”
These are just examples, not actual sentences people said, but similar ones or with similar meaning.

But all of them are pointless because I already thought about it myself. So in the end all they responded to, was what I said or wrote. This means, you will also think I need some words from you. Some kind words, but all I need is a “I am still here.” or “Okay” I mean, I am just fine with an okay, if it isn’t just a “Okay … fuck of” – okay. So actually I don’t need anything except someone who doesn’t tell me what or what I am not and so on. And kind words are often making it worse, if they don’t feel right to me.
Yeah it is strange to communicate with me honestly. But you wouldn’t think it is so complicated, if you would just meet me somewhere or work with me together. Because I can pretend so many things that I often don’t know whether I am actually true or false towards something, right or wrong, honest or a liar.

I still know what my heart says, but my heart and my brain aren’t friends most of the time. So my brain can be evil and selfish, while my heart just wants to be and help others.

Well thank you for reading so far. I know it was a lot and most of it, if not all, was not really important or motivating for you, I suppose. But still I am writing because I have to. And I can’t know how it is for you. I can only think or guess and this way I would probably do the opposite of what I should do and what actually helps. If this seems to be wrong, but feels right, it might be right after all. Only because someone says it isn’t, it doesn’t have to be wrong. People say things all the time, look at me, I am writing strange things in an online blog. Maybe making myself an even bigger fool I am already, but hey I am doing it because it feels right, right now and I should have done this so many years ago. But it wasn’t my time then and probably it wouldn’t have worked like this. I wasn’t ready, now I am, I guess. I feel more ready than ever. Ready to finally live, what I always thought about.

What is holding me back? The fear I might just lie to myself and that I actually am not that nice person (when my brain is in control and not my heart). So I could play a nice guy, while I actually do “what I want” – the egoistic / selffish part of me – the brain.

So far I often felt this way and acted this way. I shouted at my mother, while she did so much for me, no really. And I don’t feel good about it, but I still do it sometimes. This is the broken part, which wants it to stop. Then I can be very nice again. And sometimes I am nice, while in my head I think something like “I could jump on the head of my cat right now. Just like that, for no specific reason.” Of course I don’t do it and never would. But then how can you trust me? In my dreams I sometimes do crazy things, horrible things, while I don’t actually want all of this bad stuff.

So it could seem that I am a real bad person, but only if I would give my brain full power. Sure in a biological way it isn’t always a fight between brain and heart. But in a spiritual way or to describe my feelings about the situation.

There is no right or wrong, when it comes to my soul because so far it was always right, just couldn’t express it or make it understandable because she was locked inside me. I believe the soul is always right because it is just pure positive energy. Well pure positive is maybe relative, but it always wants the good things, wants to help, wants to live, wants to make the world a better place. And then there comes the brain, which believes it knows more, is logical and so on. Well it may be faster, but without the heart it is nothing. A computer is also fast, when it comes to calculations, but in the end only the one programming it made him do it. An AI could come to a point in which it might program itself, but without some kind of soul, it could be difficult to make the right decision. Because the computer will always make something logical. Either logical for itself or in a general way.
The heart can sometimes be different from the soul, sometimes it is seen as an organ, sometimes it is seen as a symbol for love, sometimes the soul and the heart seem the same. But the soul always wants to do the right thing, while the heart sometimes has feelings which lead to bad decisions and the brain could abuse it or create even stranger realities on its own. The soul always wants good things, so trust your soul, your true self.

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