My pain can’t win again, but if I don’t pay attention it will, pretty soon.
Despite all what I know and experienced, there is too much damage to simply heal within a couple of weeks. Also I am almost daily confronted with some of the causes for my problems. So while on one side I am trying to heal, on the other side I am getting new damages. Not the best way to heal over time, right? But what can I do? It seems as if I am not allowed to do what I want, although no one seems to forcefully hold me back.
This way it is even harder for me because I have no clear enemy. I have just myself it seems because I can’t except help when given. But then I might not need it or wanted it in the first place because I had different plans. Also it is difficult to say, I have no specific plan, but I have a plan. It seems as if I wouldn’t have a plan at all, but that is not true. For me I have no plan like: “Today I am going to the cinema. Tomorrow I will build a boat and then I will sell some fish.” My plan(s) are more like visions or dreams, I don’t plan to do, but just work towards without a strict plan or way on how to reach them.
So if someone wants to know my goals: I want to help lost people, I want to help with world hunger, peace and other things like this. I don’t have a plan like: “I want to be this or that in 5 years.” I am just doing something and then I will see what happens next. Otherwise I would sell my soul or dreams before I even really started to understand. In the end I would be dead without doing anything I really wanted or should have done.
There is no need for a strict plan, just a vision, a dream or even just an idea worth spreading 😀 (In the TED talk way).
Remember, not the big things change the world, but the smalls things. And in the end sometimes they grow, but still the small thing was what mattered.
(Dream log – yesterday)
The night before I were dreamed at one point that I was driving with a bike or something small down a street in my area. Later the vehicle changed and got bigger, maybe a motorcycle and I was on another street. It felt as if I was one with the vehicle. And then in the end I was on a highway of some sort with a car I guess.
(Dream log – last night)
Tonight I first had a dream about a strange car.
I was in my home village it seemed and then there was a man with a car.
In this dreamed it felt as if I was one with the universe, at least I was more into it than I am actually right now, while typing.
For some reason the man wanted to sell the car and I just gave him some money I suppose and he left.
Then the car was standing on the street, I didn’t think much of it at first.
But I knew it wasn’t registered yet and also had no ensurance or something.
Just a car with some license plate (I don’t know whether it was a right one or just fake).
Just one or two days later (it just was as if days passed, but nothing really happened I think), another man came into my village. He asked for the car and so he came to me. Asked for license etc. and I said I don’t have it here right now and that it was the car of a friend (or something like that).
He gave me a week and wanted the asked papers until then.
I am not sure whether he was from the military or police, but it was something serious and not just another random guy walking by.
On the last possible day, I called some people and somehow got some temporary papers at least and then man got what he wanted. But I am not sure whether this was all of the story.
(second dream sequence)
This time it was time for school trauma again, I guess. But it was as if the car from before was still somewhere related to the dream. As I went to school with it instead of the bus. (This said, I am not in any school anymore, but from my middle school I had a lot of traumatic experiences, or at least bad ones.)
While I was walking towards the school, some busses were driving down the street in the direction I was coming from. I am not sure whether it was still in the morning or already afternoon, but the sun was shining although it seemed a little cloudy and rainy, maybe it rained before.
Then many children came out of the school buildings and walked towards the busses or just home. I was still walking towards the school.
The I entered the school and walked upstairs, not sure what I wanted there in the first place, but well I just walked. And the building was different from schools I have been, but of course familiar while I was dreaming.
Upstairs were some people from my middle school class and while I was talking with them and walking around a little, I slipped on the floor because of water maybe. There wasn’t anything to hold on, just the platform and then the floor beneath. Somehow I could hold myself on the platform at first. The people from my class all tried to help me up (probably five people), but together they could get me up for some reason.
Instead we all feel down from the platform and landed on a some sort of sculpture in the middle of the open room. It was like floating in the air, maybe anchored from the top of the building. No one got badly hurt, but now we were in the middle of the air on a more or less static thing. and it was like a ring only with a rectengular shape. So we all were lying over one another trying to hold us on this thing and together, so we won’t fall down.
We talked and tried to figure out how to get down and I said some strange things because of the positions we were in. And some blamed me or sad something bad, someone else supported me etc. After some time some of us managed it to make a swing down from the strange thing we were holding on. He landed on the other side of the building on some platform connected to the stairs. And so we all tried to get down until all of us got down there.
(There of course were more dream sequences, but I couldn’t remember them to a point where I could tell anything.)
(Dream log over)
Well the last days my old problem got the upper hand again because of the whole pressure and breakdown thing. I have watched porn again the last days and it is just not good. But as before, I don’t want it, while the brain tries to start the old depression / medication cycle again. Because masturbation releases some hormones and stuff like serotonin and dopamin, so the brain and body calm down. Problem with it is, that after some time it makes you more sad, if you already are sad or depressed. But this doesn’t hold the brain back from doing it.
For a month I was almost free, just like that. I just didn’t do it and had no need. I felt free, more natural and somehow conntected with everything positive. And now I partially got there again, but it is my environment which holds me down. All the current problems and thoughts which still come back now. In this weeks before my breakdown, I felt hope, love and sadness, like never before. I actually felt something. I had tears while laughing and crying, my body was responding to feelings and I just felt alive. So there simply was no need for some sort of drug. But as I said, my soul and brain damage is still too big and can’t really heal in my current situation. I have to change something, otherwise I will never get really free.
My soul and heart know everything will be alright. I just know it will be.
They know they can trust, God, the universe, you name it.
It is simply like this, no force, no believe in something specific, just a feeling that there is nothing to worry about, even or especially when things seem strange and bad at first. But then my brain jumps in: “Waaaiiitt a second! There aren’t any rules, there is nothing to calculate with?! How can this work, this is just stupid. SHUT DOWN! STOP!” And a bunch of soldiers and guards run around and search for my soul / heart. Well yep, this will always stay like this, when I can’t finally let go. My soul and heart already did because it never really wanted all of this. But the brain can’t because it is almost every day confronted with something related to my past, to wounds of mine or just gets new ones. So it is probably even getting worse, now that it is fighting against me more than ever because my soul got free, out of the prison cell.
Music helped more than anything else. At first it expressed my hurt feelings, then it started to actually heal them, while movies showed me who I really am and what I have become. To a point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore or just say: “This is just coincidence…”
I don’t believe in coincidence anymore. You could say, well it seems like a coincidence of course, but I have experienced too much. I can’t say it all was just coincidence. This is just my perspective and path, yours might be different. But in some way everything is connected and our current society and industry etc. are not what I mean. They at best abuse these connections for profit.
There is always more to the story, with any story. The unspoken words are probably the most important ones.