Day 1 (evening)

(Dream log start)

Today I can remember two dreams right now.
The first was me in a bright almost empty flat. There was a radio I actually own in one corner behind a table or other small furniture. All of a sudden it just turned on and played on full volume some music I can’t remember.
Then the neighbour from upstairs yelled something because of the volume.
And I tried to turn it out and I don’t know whether it stopped after turning it out or not. But that is all I remember from this dream.

The next dream was almost like watching Netflix or in general a movie.
I am not even sure whether I was actually acting in it or just watching.
The first I remember is being in space in another solar system or galaxy.
There was some kind of satilite or space station at some point and it had several names tag on to it from the outside with directions. Like a sign with places, directions and distances, only as big as several houses in scale.
Then I went into the direction with places on earth.

When I arrived on earth I was at some kind of military camp or science related building. There were some small rooms and one of the characters was in one of them. After the travell they changed the clothes. Then the man was talking to another man outside while sitting at a rectangular table.
A sunny day and some plants around. Looked like a cafeteria place.
They were talking about something secret and that there is a woman who shouldn’t get something the man got from his travell or just had found somewhere.

The woman was a scientist with blonde hair I think and the man more of a military guy.
I can’t remeber much more from this scenery. But then there was some kind of church like building and another young woman with black hair (just around the head, not too long) with some men were getting close to the building. They had some machine guns and pistols and some of the had something around their mouth. The got into the building through a side entry and walked towards the altar or podeum at the end of the church or what it was.

I don’t know whether something was there or someone, but then shortly after maybe the military man or other people entered the building and found some dead bodies at where the people from before were going.
And when they turned around one of the bodies it was the black haired woman.

I don’t remember more I think, but there definitely was more to the whole story and it was like a movie or series. This said, it is of course partially inspired by Orphan Black and other series I watched before. But still an experience which was a little different from the other dreams I usually have because it seemed as if I wasn’t even in the dream. Just a silent spectator, watching a movie.

(Dream log over)

Music of any kind implies feelings, power and some kind of instrument or source. But no matter what the music is for, it has way more meaning than we think. Of course are some random notes or a basic beat not what we usually want to hear or enjoy. But in the context of a specific situation or just a movie scene, they create a whole different image than without or made in another way.

So if you feel like making music, but you can’t read notes, never played an instrument and people maybe said something like: “You can’t play music”, but you feel like it. Just do it, even if it sounds off or uneasy, not good at all.
If you feel like it, this doesn’t matter and maybe it is this way because your feelings are this way. When you just play some notes and do it each time you feel like it, it might change over time. Maybe already the next day.
Other people can’t know what you feel or think. They can only predict or think in a certain way. So don’t let them shape you, they way they want you to be or think you should be.

This said, I still just do this because I feel like it.
There doesn’t have to be a special meaning to all of this.
For me there is and therefor I continue.
It gives me peace, freedom and strength, even though I might just write unimportant, irrational or even crazy things.
I judged myself far too long and now it is time to just let go and do what I feared to do for a long time now.

I never really wanted other people to read my stories, poems and so on.
When I tried I often either got rejected, people simply didn’t understand or I just got scared myself. Sure I did upload some poems in the past (which are still there, but on private for now). I also recorded some crapy Let’s Plays. But in the end I either removed it again or just tried to forget about it and left it. I feared rejection, that no one understands and so even though I tried sometimes in the end I stopped everything. I just worked, sleeped, a little bit of food for lunch, watching YouTube or Netflix and that was it for most of the time. No life, just surviving and slowely dying inside and outside.

I also thought I just break most things and am not worth living.
Not the way I would want to live, only to work for others and hopefully die soon, so it is over. Many people feel like this and see no other way than either do some kind of drugs or in the end kill themselves.

The best what happened to me was, I had a couple of friends over time who didn’t judge me. They just liked me they way I was. Some of them also had no one else or at least not like this, not a special connection.
Still I broke most of the wires, so you could say I have only one active person who I trust and feel connected with. I sure have other people who sometimes write, but maybe once or twice a year. And it is my fault.

Having problems with yourself is not good, for yourself and people around you. Some may just want to be around with you because they feel you big heart, the warmth you have, even though you might not notice it yourself.
Other people aren’t always bad, but for myself it was more that I just felt outside of society. Not fitting in, so I had not much to share with other people. Because what interested me was either too strange to share or I just thought they had no interest in it anyways. Also they had other interests I couldn’t relate with sometimes.

If not already, you might notice that I repeat myself over some time or topics. This isn’t always because I want to, but some things just keep getting out and want to be processed in some way. So it is not that I want to brainwash someone to believe what I think or believe. It just comes multiple times. (Because it is said, when a lie is spoken out many times people are more likely to believe it over time.) And I don’t want you to just believe me or think I am right. Maybe I am completely crazy or just wrong. It is just my perspective and experience or what I heard from others, just thoughts, visions and dreams…

There is not special topic, rule or something. I am just writing what comes out or in other words, comes into my mind, while I feel like typing.

I have so many topics I often think about, often not actively, but my brains keeps adding things to them and reprocesses the given data to make a clearer image and overall view about something.

While I still most of the time have no control over my dreams while sleeping or when in the “real” world, I am getting to it. 😀
When I have a clear goal, I know what I am working towards and nothing can hold me back except some time and maybe things I need. But only at first, but after some time, if I stick to the goal I get the things I needed and continue.

In my depressive times (basically most of the time) I had nothing, but the wish to die or just be somewhere else. Only when I was alone in my room and could forget for some time what made me feel bad, I could create some interesting things. Some of them over a long time, some in a weekend or just one day. But only when I had nothing else to stop me. Music was probably most of the time involved or some radio / audio plays.

After the last months I more and more got thinking, that the stranger it is what you think, the more people can relate, you maybe never expected to.
And in general more people are more likely to listen to something strange but interesting, than basic society things, which aren’t real, just marketing or false images.

So maybe when I am writing what I am writing, it is interesting for more people I would have ever imagined. But would I just write it because I would want to be famous or reach as many as I can. Probably no one would be interested or just the ones I am not interesting in, as long as they stay in their bubbles.

So I don’t know, whether you are reading all of this, or just listening to some of the music or inspirational videos. Maybe you are just a random visitor who leaves after some seconds because it is not interesting at all.
No matter what, a hello to you and a happy smile. At least you found the way to this. ^^

The smallest change is maybe the needed one. So even if you aren’t interested in this at all, you were meant to find it, for some reason, no one really knows about until it reveals itself in some way.
Maybe after years, just a day or never really, if you don’t let it.

Now I feel, you should have all what I wrote the last months already, it might would help you to understand, what I am doing and why I am doing it. But then, maybe you are already on the path.
Time will tell, even though the time itself will never speak. Something or someone does, at some point. Just wait for it and listen.

Our current democraty is not really working, at least not often and in a way most are either not interested in it at all or feel betrayed. And in the end it might be fake, there is not much control after all, not from the people.
I feel that democracy shouldn’t just decide in one way, that not just a majority decides or blocks, what a minority wants. Not everything is good or rational. But sometimes decisions which seem irrational from the outside, could lead to a better outcome, when not just made out of a random act, like gambling. Why can’t we do everything, not meaning literally everything, but why does it often end in a yes or no, when it comes to laws or decisions?

Sometimes it might be better to split things up into several pieces, sometimes put things together because they are the same in some way.
Laws are difficult, but often they are just difficult because bad people want to make it harder to do what they do. If you were a big company and you can do whatever you want because you have enough power and money to cover everything up somehow. Wouldn’t it be a good idea to support laws to pretend smaller companies or people to do similar things? This way the big company can still do what they want because no one can really get behind their facade, but others will suffer. The position of the big company is saved and also the concurrent companies or people are sorted out. Giving the big ones a chance to buy them or negotiate and get more power.

This is basically modern democracy at its best. And sure sometimes it seems to work because people actually get a right to speak, but then maybe it wasn’t them at all. If you know what people want and it is in your own interest, why not support it. And if they believe they made it happen, great, but at least you are still in control in the end.

So just because you now may have a right to be diverse, live with people you love legally, doesn’t mean we as humans did this ourselves. It could mean, they wanted this after all. To support something they planned anyways. Don’t get it wrong, I want even more, that all people are free to live the way they want as long as they don’t harm others. But things aren’t always as they seem. “Give them what they want, so they think they have power.” … But when the time has come, it will be irrelevant anyways.

As others said, slavery is still a thing, it just got upgraded or changed a little and all people are included now.
But when people know they are some sort of slaves or prisoners, they will revolt or make a revolution of some kind at some point. So if you don’t want people to know they are actually your “property” in some way, you give them as much as they need to believe it is them who decide and have power, while you just let them enough playground to feel not too bad.

People who don’t fall for this, are either labeled with mental illness or other sickness or things. They aren’t fitting in this society, so they are a problem.
This doesn’t mean it has to be this way, but when we realise it is all a big game of Monopoly, we have to start playing and not just walk on every street they built houses upon. Not just pay and pay, without a future. We can have it all, the believe is what matters, not what we have now.

Democracy is in some way a system which will fail over time if not right from the start. Not because it is wrong to give people a voice or let people decide about things, but it is wrong to just declare on side as right and the other as wrong or multiple ones as wrong. In the end of course not everyone can be right, but why not give everyone what they want in some way. You can’t support things like racism and things, of course not. But in the end most of the people who are racists or in these kind of areas, were kids and had different dreams when they were younger. Most of them probably forgot about it and believed what others told them or thought it was right to be against other people. What they need is love, maybe some support with things and acceptance. Most of them are probably like us, just lost in another world. If we reach them with love and kindness even though they are on the wrong side, they might understand it. If not, well we can’t save everyone. We are in some way free after all, free to decide to be good or bad or in between.

Also people on the radical left side can be bad, if they just want to destroy everything and make something like communism again. I am more for communism or anarchy, but only when it would be possible. I believe some form, some mixture of many political forms could work. But there is always and will always be space for abuse of some sort and intrigues. It is always possible. Only if we face it, we can progress. Communism is a system which can’t work the way it was intented because there was no space for it, while in the end what turned out to be the practical communism was far from the original idea. It was for some people even worse than the monarchy before. People got killed and forced and there was no real freedom, peace or equality. Just more problems, pain and suffering. Communism in the book is different, but it is an utopy. This doesn’t mean it has no potential, some of it is good and doable. So as I said, a mixture with other things could be possible. Anarchy (not the false meaning which actually is anomy) is in some way similar to communism, only without a state or superior system. It works with individual groups, communes and such things. They also have their laws or rules and people can get thrown out if they don’t follow the rules. But because the media says, anarchy to things like terror or vandalism, most of us think anarchy is bad. But in fact it would be better in many ways. There is always a leak in all of the ideas. Nothing is perfect and if it seems perfect it might we worse than you think it is.

– A walk on the streets –

Open eyes, but no one sees.
Closed from the inside.
Where are all the bees?
Did they die, did they hide?

Not many notice or fear the consequences,
it worked in the past,
people always say it will go down, they say.
And the world continues, way to fast.

When do we stop, to listen?
Do we think about the things?
All seems far away, so distant.
And then a shot and angel wings.

Is this the world we imaged as kids?
I doubt it is, we didn’t want it like this.
These days we fill us up with acids.
Feel like that no more there is.

Why is it this painful, this strange?
Can’t we be happy, do what we want?
All seems impossible out of range.
The dreams which always haunt.


Have you thought about a better world?
Did you think, well this would be great?
Maybe not now, maybe not for a long time.
But at some point you sure had dreams, small ones, big ones.
Do you still think about them somtimes?
They might be lost, just a memory, lost thought somewhere inside the brain.
If we aren’t happy we naturally would do something else, what makes us happy or at least feel better than what made us feel bad.

Why can’t we just do this all the time?
We can, sure, but then we might get called crazy or people think they have to force us into normality, whatever that is.
For me normality is the average image of what is right or wrong. What can be and what can’t be. What is accepted and what isn’t. And then there are the abnormal people like us, who either try to fit in ourselves or get forced in some way. And in the end we either die one way, or just break and do what the system wants, until we finally get relief.

Some people ask, how can people become killers, or do other crazy things.
In the end it isn’t always them, but others who either force or lead them into a direction. Even though they might think they do the opposite.
There are killers who might have wanted to kill since a young age.
But in the end I believe no one really wanted to. Something changed in a life, something which caused something else and then it just happened.

The main reason is not fitting in, no one seems to understand and false believes, ignorance, other bad people and so on. The right environment doesn’t create a killer. But each one of us needs something different. Some may need a big group of people around, some need a space to be alone sometimes. Some want to have work all the time, some need to relax a lot. Some are creative some are practical. In the end we all have something in common, we all need love. Real love, trust and freedom to do what good we want to do, even though it might seem wrong for others or just at first.

Violence is the cause of violence, so when did it start?
Often without physical violence, but just words or harmless seeming actions, but with bad thoughts or feelings. It always starts small, then it grows and in the end you have a holocaust.
Hate will act like a motor, while the one part is up the other goes down, then they change. But the both make something move forward. If just one would break out, the whole thing would collapse. This could be a good thing, only because it seems bad at first, in the end it might save lives.

(wasn’t able to add this to the playlist because of the YouTube kids thing)

While going into a forest, house squatting for a good cause and demonstrations seem stupid or irrational from the outside. They might change something in the end. Even though the original reason, was not reached or fulfilled. Just one person more in a school or one less, can make a huge difference. It doesn’t have to be, but can be. So even though you didn’t reach what you wanted to, it might helped someone else or will help in the future. Just don’t give up, if it is for a good cause.

It is hard to see sometimes and I for myself was blind most of the time because I couldn’t see and do what others want at the same time. It is not possible for me. Either one way or the other, both just breaks me and the bad one as well. Only when I do what I love I am happy and I can do more I ever imagined.

My latest track: You… What is always present?

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