Day 0 (after 7 months)

All videos are saved in my YouTube playlist The Almanac which already holds over 1800 videos including music, wisdom and random things.

If you should think: ‘Well, this is not my typical music playlist” You are right.
This isn’t just about some music or a music blog. It is about all the music and way more. Beauty without a specific genre, country, border or category. Interesting stories, random thoughts and also some motivation or expression of emotions and things like depression.

So there is not special reason for this, only that I had to share my experiences. Should you be interested, cool. If not, no problem, have a great day. 🙂

Maybe you could say this is about the universe, about life, about humans and nature. About my life, your life and all the others. Or just a bunch of random videos and words. It depends on you and me, how we think and interpret this. And when you reached this far, you might be the kind of person who is open or just curious how strange people can be. 😀

So often I listen to the videos (usually music) and then at some point I feel like writing as I do now.

There is also some music I create myself when I feel like it.
Nothing to listen to at work or just in between. Some of my tracks are maybe depressing, some relaxing, thoughtful or even joyful. But when someone should ask, I can’t really tell how I create it because it just happens. I just do it and then it’s there. And sometimes it even suprises me, when I listen to it the first time with headphones and closed eyes in my bed or chair.

When you are open to your true self and positive things, something beautiful happens. At least around me and with me. Each one of us has their own path and way to see and “walk” the world. So my approach is just working for me, but maybe yours is more similar than you think.

Keep your eyes and mind open for things like this.
Not that I can in some way help you or tell you what to do.
But maybe this is just what you searched for.
Maybe it is just random shit, no one is interested in.
I personally don’t think anyone will ever read all of this, except for people who might stumble over it randomly or people who know me from somewhere else maybe.

And yet, I am writing.
Why? I just have to write something.
Have to clear my mind or improve it.
Writing makes it somehow easier for me to process things.
Especially when I can share it with someone else who I trust.
But it also often made me feel even worse, crazy and annoying.
I mean, would you want a friend who texts you over the whole day, almost each day of the week?
Yep, I have become that person.

But if you would have known me before (or at all), you wouldn’t have expected this. Before I started writing about myself around 7 months ago, true feelings, fears, thoughts and so on, I almost lost all contact to other people. I didn’t have any friends, I mean I have some or had some, but didn’t write or speak with them for years or months. Just school or later work and at home in front of my computer or just in the bed.

So yeah not a happy life or life at all.

Before you ask, yeah I am or was suicidal and I wouldn’t say I got completely over it yet. Not because I want to die, but my broken brain and heart can’t stand too much problems, too much stress, people and difficult situations anymore. Too much had happen to me or because of me.

So last year I knew I have to change something. I couldn’t “live” like this any longer. Publishing my daily experiences and thoughts is maybe the final step to overcome my broken self and past. You could say, well this will just make everything worse, no? Maybe, maybe not. But at this point it doesn’t really matter anymore because after I almost attempted suicide several times and most of my life was filled with thoughts of fear, hate, shame and self destruction, what should go wrong?

If someone bad finds this and laughs about it, there is probably not much to break left, instead a lot to power and lift up. So when I am writing this, I don’t want to hear: “I am sorry for you” or “Do you need help?”
You can’t help and I don’t need a ‘sorry’. All I want is to share this and maybe help someone else or just open some eyes, some minds.

Should you be willing to continue this “blog” or whatever it is, you should leave your music taste behind or at least just for this, not forever.
You are who you are and I am not here to change you. I just say, don’t force yourself into a category you might belong to, if you would knew what else is out there.

Things aren’t as they seem, not always. And if things I write should be one to one quotes from someone else, I must apologize for not remembering each name. On the other hand when it comes to my music, poems and philosophical ideas etc. I usually say, it is not my work, I don’t know how or why. It just happens and I do it. I feel like it and I do it and in the end even I am suprised by it even though I wrote or created it by myself. And no it is not like having a blackout or something, I am fully aware of what I am creating and writing, but it is more like a flow state in which it just goes and goes without much thinking or pause in between. It may not be fast compared to others, but also not like a snail. It goes and goes.

Together with my music, all the videos and images as well as the things I wrote in the last half year I got several hundred pages.
At one point I thought about writing a book and maybe I will do in the future. For now I won’t share what I wrote. Just what you already read so far. Some of the things are very private and not for everyone to read.
But someone had to hear or at least read them. Without a person I could trust with everything so far, I wouldn’t have come this far at all.

It wasn’t easy and I am still not sure whether this is as good as it feels right now. Just last week until thursday this week I had a real bad time again. Some kind of breakdown. I was exhausted and just couldn’t do it anymore, even fell into a deeper whole than before I started writing. But then before I didn’t feel at all. And now I see it as part of my progress of my of healing and self-acceptance process.

The music and other things in this blog or life story, world of thoughts and more, aren’t following special rules, just feelings and some kind of path without my control. I don’t search for them. They just appear on my recommendations. Some of them are old, some are brand new, some of them from my old times. I also watched some of them or listend to them before. But still I get something new each day. And almost each day I get suprised by something new and a lot of cool music.

I know you might not feel the same about it. Sure you are you, not me. And I don’t want you to be like me. If you should be by coincidence, then its something else, maybe no coincidence at all. Otherwise just enjoy what you like and maybe take something useful, if you should find anything useful for yourself.

I am not here to promote music or YouTube channels etc.
I just want to share what I found and experienced.
Maybe completely pointless, useless or stupid for some, I know.

This doesn’t hold me back. I stopped myself far too long because of such thoughts and believes. I didn’t make music while I wanted to, didn’t write while I wanted to. Always thought it is all just bullshit, worthless or just bad.

Maybe it is, I can’t tell. I am just doing it.
If you would ask me personally, I might still say, it is all just garbage.
But well, here I am, sharing ‘garbage’. Hello my name is J.SYS and I am your personal garbage collector. Do you want a cup of strange or random to your letter soup? Ah you want bread and water, well… GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. 😀 No just kidding. But I can’t give you, all you need. But maybe this is what you needed. Who knows… Only you yourself.

In the future I will definitely have to make something else out of all I already collected and put together. I mean I already have over 1,800 videos in a playlist called “The Almanac”. And they are more or less are related to things I wrote or felt or just to make me feel better. Still it might interests you without the related text. As I said, I am not ready to share everything right now. And it also doesn’t seem like it is time for it.

All you need to know is already written down, or am I wrong?
Well I should add, that I might seem a little crazy from time to time (or maybe all the time because I don’t realize it).

So hey, welcome to a crazy thing. And if you really really should have reached this line, not by simply scrolling down: Honor and all the love I can give to you, dear friend or stranger! ❤

And well, it stops here. This is just the beginning.
Maybe you are a reader, maybe you will become one again or one at all for the first time. Maybe I scared you away, to never ever return again.
I don’t judge you, I know this is strange and I don’t know what I would think. Probably the same?

Cool that you are still reading. How was your day?
If you should feel like it, just write a mail, address is at the top or somewhere on this website.

Don’t expect me to answer because I don’t want to write anything wrong back. I might not understand, while I understand. I often don’t say what I feel or truly think, when I am with other people, so just know, I will read every word and be happy or sad or else with you.

If I should answer and it is not helping you, making it even worse, please forgive me. I don’t want to act like everyone else, while I still do sometimes, way too often it seems. Whatever it is you are not alone. You might be alone around the people or place your are at the moment, but there is always someone like me or you at another place or in another time.

Thanks for your time. Have a good night or day or both! Love you all!

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